Fee Fi Fo Fum and Other Fatherly Phrases

Fatherly Phrases from Grandpa Jack on the Farm:
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Fee Fi Fo Fum I smell the blood of an English man.

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Upon being told to 'have a nice day' ... Have a nice day?!  It’s half over  …  I wish you would have told me that this morning!

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Does Canada have the Fourth of July?
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Upon a disruption of some sort in public:

Move it along.  Nothing to see here folks.   Everything's fine here.  Keep it flowing.

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Just call someone (that you usually bother with problems) and let them know:

Nothing to report.  No problems here.  Everything's o.k.  All is good.  All systems go. 
Just wanted to let you know so you don't just see me or hear from me when something's wrong or I'm complaining.
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When someone is overly blunt or just responds 'no':

Don't beat around the bush with me. 
Get to the point.  Be specific. 
Don't hem and haw about it. 
Don't mince your words. 

Just give me an answer.
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Grandpa Gautsch upon tossing warm water over the bathroom stall door at Allis Chalmers factory:

"Look how high I can pee!"
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You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friends nose.
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You have a keen perception of the obvious.
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No man is an island.  But when you take a pee ... urination.  _________________________________________________________________ I could listen to that person read the phone book. ___________________________________________________________________ The parameters for the dirtiest joke ever. Succinct.  Use vulgar language.  Be funny. _______________________________________________________________________ Another day, Another dollar, another pretty face.   ___________________________________________________________ Grandma Gautsch's favorites: Oopsy Daisy   --       Goodness Gracious Godness Agnes   --

Jesus-Mary-and-Joseph.

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Sana Sana cuelito de Rayna, sci no sana hoy, sana manana.

(Heal, heal little frog.  If it doesn't heal today, heal tomorrow).
 

Sew Blue Buttons On Your Underwear

Just things I have to archive:


So!?!  Sew Blue Buttons On Your Underwear.

Pocket Computers or L√

Why do we call them cell phones? 
They are pocket computers that connect us to the outernet. 
(attributed to Zigger - a.k.a. Paul Moss).

The biggest difference from when I was a teenager to my teenage sons today
is that they have computers in their pockets connected to a world-wide-web.

What cell phones / pocket computers need is a nick-name ...

Let-me-check  ...  Lemmie-check  ...  Lemchek  ...  Lem √  ...  L√

Dark Matter & Spirituality

Is Dark Matter the Holy Spirit?  Science & Faith Align.

In astronomy and cosmology, dark matter is a type of matter hypothesized to account for a large part of the total mass in the universe. Dark matter cannot be seen directly with telescopes; evidently it neither emits nor absorbs light or other electromagnetic radiation at any significant level.^[1] Instead, its existence and properties are inferred from its gravitational effects on visible matter, radiation, and the large-scale structure of the universe. According to the Planck mission team, and based on the standard model of cosmology, the total mass–energy of the universe contains 4.9% ordinary matter, 26.8% dark matter and 68.3% dark energy.^[2][3] Thus, dark matter is estimated to constitute 84.5% of the total matter in the universe and 26.8% of the total content of the universe.

^{Reference:  Wikipedia}



  

Higgs Boson                                                     Holy Spirit

Holy Spirit, or Holy Ghost, is a term found in English translations of the Bible, while the general concept of a spirit that permeates the cosmos is a general feature of most religions (e.g., Brahman in Hinduism and Tao in Taoism and Great Spirit among indigenous peoples of the Americas).

 

 

Nature - Nurture - Birth Order

Nature  -  Nurture  -  Birth Order:  Makes you who you are.

Keep Your Edge.

Keep Your Edge:

Make sure everyone knows -- she ain't just eye-candy.  She is smart too.
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I’m not your husband,
I'm not your boy friend,
I'm not your kid,
so don’t talk to me like you talk to them.

Conversely, you are not my wife so I can talk to you anyway I want.
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One item in prenuptial.
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Aim higher than what you actually want. 
I fought for a motorcycle but I wanted a convertible.
My brother heeded that advice and asked his wife for a ménage-quatre.
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Parenting is harder on a mother.  If life was a musical ....
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Screw it up the first time and you will never have to do the job again. 
Christmas card stamps on the wrong side of the envelope.
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Don't sweat the small stuff.  Laugh at their flaws - as long as they are painless.
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 Start a conversation over if it heads in the wrong direction.
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Always contemplate tattoos and piercings.
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Learn Your Friends Kids Names. 
It'll help you get invited to their weddings. 
Weddings are better than funerals.
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How's married life?

On the day you are married someone will ask you 'how's married life?'

Soon after your wedding day someone at work will ask you 'how's married life'?

You can be married for eighty years
but after the first three months NO ONE will ever
again ask you 'how's married life?'.

That is your job.

Marry at 36. 18 + 18.

Around thirty-six years old is a good age for a man to get married.
Eighteen years under your parents roof.
Eighteen years on your own.
Eighty years with your wife and kids.

 

Ties are the ultimate phallic symbol. 

An outward display of a man saying ... I have a penis and you don't.

Aliens have come and gone.

I think they have come and gone.
If aliens came to this planet they would be stunned that we all do not speak the same language. 

Or that we speak at all and have not learned to communicate telepathically -- 
Fault the negative impact of the vocal cord mutation. 

They came, they did not need our blood to fuel their rocket-ships and they left.

What separates us from the rest of the animals?

Music.  Laughter.  Spirituality.  Birthday Parties. 

Giving the 'I-am-sorry' finger.

Is there in international sign for 'I-am-sorry'?

I propose: 

100% rule.

100% of people die. 

But it's still fun to look at yourself in the mirror sternly
saying 'don't-you-go-dyin'-on-me-boy!'

A.P.P.

Acronym Pet Peeve (APP).

Horn Honking etiquette

Honk-honk is a 'hello' honk to a friend or neighbor. 

HOOOONK! is more pejorative.

In that case, I am from 'Wi-con-in'

If I have to say your State with out pronouncing the 's' then you have to say mine without the 's's too.

I am from Wiconin by the Mi--i--ippi river.  I used to live in Texa-.

Beyond Cool ...

Beyond Cool is to be past hip. 
Can you dig-my-groove?  Do you dig-my-noise?  Dig my ear-spank?

It is more a crime-of-compassion than a crime-of-passion.

I killed a pig once with a hammer for a pig-roast.

After the first blow I learned,
it is more a crime-of-compassion
than a crime-of-passion.

Come clean with people you have confused with other people.

New to neighborhood. 

After five years, I came clean to all those I confused with other people upon first arriving here and meeting so many people at once. 
It was funny and liberating. 

People will like you more when you admit you are not perfict (sic).

Overall, I have very good facial recognition skills.

All dogs are Dusty.

I call all dogs 'Dusty'.  It makes it easier that way.

That's just me talkin'. 
A hipster goffus - hum-dilly-dilly - smackl, smakl do-do.

It is not my job to remember your kids names.

I will remember one of your kids names.  I did not ask you to have that many kids.
My appearance does not change that much from year-to-year.  Kids change every 3 months.

It is not my job to keep up with your kids.

Pretend Things.

The Contemplation of Fiction

Pretend tripping.  Pretend phone calls. 
Pretend stories.  Pretend boogers.
Pretend gang signals for your work-department or church or wife.
Pretend friends.  Pretend birthday spankings.
Pretend to pee on your lawn mower before you let your neighbor borrow it.
Pretend to throw you trash on the ground right in front of a trash can and cite that it is good for the economy.

Pretend the 'would you like cash-back' option at the check-out is actually free money.

The Answer to Your Next Question Is "YES".

Pretend to immediately put things onto FB.

Provide you Shoe-Size at the end of the verification process.

Pretend to be a First Responder when someone breaks a glass.

Pretend to have video taped something that would go viral if you had recorded it.

Re-enact funny things.

Rile 'em up on some crazy claim and then bet them -- a nickel.

Pretend you are pissed-off to the highest pisstivity.

Enough about me talking about my kids.  You talk about my kids.

Pretend to give people tomorrow off.

Answer the phone and say 'Good-news-only after 2 p.m.'

Pretend to be mad a others who have jumped on the band wagon recently.
It's pathetic because I have been following the Hawks for 14 or 15 ... weeks now. 
Since early, mid-2013.

Pretend Tattoos (with permanent marker).

Pretend to know the metric system.

Don't listen to what I say. Listen to what I thought I said.

My favorite thing to clarify with my wife:
"Please do not listen to what I say.  Listen to what I thought I said."

How ya doin'? Good to see ya! When ya leavin?

How are you doing?  Good to see you. 
When are you leaving?  (oops, did I say that last one? I only meant to think it.)

Dead man's pants.

I like to buy colorful, fancy pants at the Goodwill store or St. Vincent de Paul and cut / taper them into nice summer-time extended inseam short pants.  I call them my 'dead-man's-pants' upon getting a compliment. 

My size is extra-extra medium.

Does God love mosquitoes?

Does God love mosquitoes?  I think so.  It's in the Bible.

Counter-espionage at the check-out counter.

I like to read Cosmopolitan at the check out counter. 
Good gender counter-espionage.

Same for listening to your kids favorite radio station -- good counter- intelligence.

Bald men deserve nice hats.

Bald men deserve nice hats.

Time Travel: Cars, Computers and Doorknobs.

If a time machine or some wrinkle in the space-and-time continuum sent me back to the year 1713,
I would be burned at the stake for being a witch. 

I would be able to tell them all about the inventions and advancements from the future
but I could not make a car or a computer. 
I don't even know how to explore for gas or mine aluminum. 

I don't know how a door knob works. 
I would be burned at the stake for talking like a witch.    

Sport is the ultimate form of theatre.

Always starts the same.  Just like 'The Sound of Music' or the 'Wizard of Oz'.
Always ends differently.  The ultimate form of theatre.

If you don't use your turn signal, you don't love your mother.

Parents people.
Family people.
Friends people.
Neighbors people.
People at work.
People on the road.

If you don't use your turn-signal, you must not love your mother.

I love you, coffee. Will you marry me?

I love you, coffee.  I love you so much.  I can't live without you.  Will you marry me?

Exceptionalism and the Metric System.

American Exceptionalism and the Metric System. 
Not much to add to that except my weight in kg's.

Which Language Do You Dream In?

I only know one language quite well.

I am always impressed when I meet people who know more than one language.

They usually have a very insightful answer to the question:

"Which language do you dream in?"

If Life Were A Musical ... I Would Sing A Song Right Now.

If life were a musical, I would sing a song right now. 
It's title would be ...
whatever the topic of conversation is at the time. 
But life is not a musical.  It is a mellow-drama interspersed with occasional comedy.

"I'm Glad I'm A Guy" is a frequent song of mine. 
It's lyrics are simple:
'I'm glad I'm a guy.  I'm glad I'm a guy.  I'm glad, I'm glad, I'm glad I'm a guy.'